The Bucket List

My boyfriend has recently become Karl Pilkington and An Idiot Abroad's biggest fan, and  thus I have some how become embroiled into also watching every episode ever made at every available opportunity since he bought the box set.

If you've ever watched An Idiot Abroad you'll know that it goes a bit like this: Ricky Gervais (my favourite man on earth... not) sends Karl to different places across the globe throwing in a few little twists and turns on the way, and series two of the program is built around sending him to places to participate in activities that may be on someones 'bucket list'.

So! With YOLO in mind (You only live once for those who are unsure) and this new found inspiration I decided to come up with my very own bucket list...

1. Visit NYC: a must really for any girl as obsessed with sex in the city as me- would be rude not to.

2. Beat my boyfriend on Mario Kart: this ones more of a point to be proven, would just be nice to have victory that one time and I'd never let him forget it.

3. Ride an Elephant: I've always liked elephants (not that I've ever met one) and this has been a want ever since I've been a little girl.

4. Go on an African safari: something amazing about going to see animals in their natural habitat... That and I fancy myself as a bit of a David Attenborough.

5. Meet the royal family: anyone who knows me well enough knows that this is definitely number one on the list... I'm a big royalist and think it would be an honor and a pleasure to meet her majesty... And I have a tenner riding on it.

6. See the Northern Lights: Must be a popular one, but again something I've always wanted to see. I know it's all scientific, but there's something magical about it.

7. Go skinny dipping: some where nice and not somewhere trampy obviously...! I do have some decorum.

8. Go to Lapland and go on a sledge pulled by dogs: The big kid in me has victoriously pushed this one to the list.

9. Get married

10. Spend time on a remote island with just one other person: preferably someone I get on with!

11. Learn to not worry what other people think: Probably the hardest to achieve!

What's on your bucket list?

Review: Despicable Me 2

 After adopting the three little girls who melted the super-villain's wicked heart in the predecessor, “Despicable Me 2” opens with reformed  Gru (Steve Carell) adjusting to fatherhood: his biggest worries no longer revolve around upholding his image of evil, but the likes of throwing princess themed birthday parties for his daughters, and setting up his own brand of jam with the help of sidekick Dr.Nefario (Russell Brand) and, of course, his army of Minions.

Having given up his crooked ways, Gru is reluctantly persuaded by the Anti-Villain League to team up with geeky yet glam secret agent Lucy Wilde (Kristen Wiig) to capture bad guy, El Macho (Benjamin Bratt) who has stolen a serum that can transform all living beings into indestructible purple monsters.

A notably less clear image than that of the original Despicable Me, the film has been critiqued in other reviews for its lack of “emotional core”, however the film is definitely not missing a heart. The Film touches on the troubles fatherhood can bring when Gru’s eldest, maturing adolescent (Margo) starts becoming interested in the opposite sex – much to Gru’s over protective disgust which is equally heart warming and humorous.  Meanwhile lone wolf Gru discovers his own feelings for secret agent Lucy whose cartoon chemistry and flirtation throughout is both enjoyable and laughable to watch.

It is impossible, however, to talk about Despicable Me without mentioning the expanded role of the hilariously funny Minions. The miniature yellow critters may have their own semi indecipherable language, but their humor essentially lies with the perfect blend of Looney Tunes esque over the top physical jokes combined with pantomime style slapstick absurdity that ensures gags a minute that even the most sensible of adults will titter at.

Fans of the naughty minions will rejoice as they seem to have doubled in both numbers and on screen time, whilst the film ends with the promise that a minion focused third installment will be released in 2014.

Diary of a Glastonbury Festival Oxfam Steward

Day One

Tuesday 25th June 2013

5 am. Abruptly awoken by the sound of the campervan exhaust vibrating as it bellows out thick black smoke. Dragging myself out of the comfort of my warm bed to the cold air of dawn, within the space of five minutes I'm up, teeth and hair brushed, and running out the door in the very same bright pink onesie I wore to bed the night before- surely some sort of record?

Chugging down the M5 it wasn't long before we were in Glastonbury and rolling onto site. You can sit rather smugly when you're in a camper at a festival... as you will know if you've ever attended one in the past, organizers  seem to designate car parks as far away as humanly possible from where you'll end up camping, and so thus you end up lugging a whole weekends worth of clothes (for all weather), food, tent and other optional extras that only first timers bring- people that are blissfully unaware when packing of the five mile trek ahead of them, half an hour into their walk however wishing they'd not bothered and dumping at the nearest opportunity.

Being (and not to blow my own trumpet, but) intrepid and hardened festival goer I have endured my fair share of playing donkey and carrying my own body weight across muddy fields. A family investment in the campervan however has meant this torture exists no more: I can bring as much food clothes and optional extras as I see fit, and trust me, I do.

Taking all of five minutes to set up (another perk of having a campervan) we went and registered where we received all our shifts, wristbands, ID cards, and a lovely bring orange hi-vis before talking a walk into the festival site. My tenth year of Glastonbury festival walking into somewhere which, to me, feels like a second home jam packed with 100,000 other people, it was rather eerie walking through an almost desolate area before the public arrive tomorrow. The same feeling still hit me as I walked through the gate however... I'm home.

Day Two

Wednesday 26th June

You only realize quite how lucky you are when you're thrown into a situation where you have a minimum of a five minute walk to the toilet or nearest water point. So used to it being readily available wherever you are, I feel rather ungrateful cursing on my cold walk to the toilet this morning when in comparison to so many living in third world poverty, a five minute walk to the toilet is a luxury. Our three shifts alone each raise enough money to provide a house for a family in Syria. Yeah, you're doing it mainly because 205 quid for a ticket to a music festival is extortionate and you can't afford it, but that fact is a nice little extra that makes your 8 hour shift seem that little more bearable.

As I fall back into the routine of dealing with horrendous toilet facilities I remember my unwritten rule I've always followed when at a festival... never, wherever possible, chose the toilet a man has just walked out of. Everyone knows they are, even when sober, disgusting pigs, however mix a little beer into the system and not only does their stench become 1000x more pungent, but it means their aim is a little out, meaning for a filthy toilet not fit for a lady to use after they have soiled it. I still firmly believe that without men the festival would overall be a lot cleaner.

Tonight is our first shift, 10pm until 6am... ouch. The festival doors officially opened this morning and people are pilling in making it progressively busier. As we walk to our location, a vehicle gate on the opposite side of the massive site, it's interesting to note the intuition and creativity of methods people dream up to reduce the effort needed to cart across their beer and other heavier items, such as cider and other canned alcoholic beverages in copious quantities. The best I've seen so far has to be a wheelie bin... how did it even get here?! 

Day Three

Thursday 27th June

First thing in the morning, I've just returned from the night shift. Although the shift went seemingly fast, 6am could not have come quicker, and after giving a cheery wave to our supervisor Ocean (yes, really) we strolled off ready to spend the day in bed. 

I woke up mid afternoon by the rain pounding against the window and stayed in the campervan until 9pm at night when I knew it had stopped. The problem with festivals however is that it only takes a little bit of rain before 100,000 feet walking over the already saturated ground churns it up and lanes turn into mud slides- good job I brought my wellies. 

We took a stroll into the festival once the rain had stopped trudging through the already muddy paths... it is surprising how many people come to Glastonbury- probably the one festival renown for being the muddiest and wettest- without wellies, or even anything remotely suitable for mud, opting instead for flip flops and trench foot.  

The problem with Glastonbury now is, again being the ten year snobby Glastonbury veteran that I am, that the number of punters has dramatically increased whilst the site hasn't particularly. On a Thursday when  the main arenas aren't yet open it means that swarms of people head to those that are such as the dance village and the park... I'm already fed up of walking through annoying drunk people and it's only Thursday night... 

Day Four

Friday 28th June

The festival officially started today: the main arenas are open and, best of all, the sun is back out! 

We woke up and got ready for our next shift at 2pm-10pm... thinking it would be quite this afternoon as most deliveries were made earlier in the week we were in shock at how busy we were. After a slow start the shift soon descended into a star spotting session as we learned we were positioned next to the stars gate! We let in the likes of Greg James, Sinead O'Connor, Chase and Status, Major Lazer, The Rolling Stones (their four huge tour buses at least), Professor Green, Rita Ora, and best of all, Michael Eavis himself-not a bad day all in all.

Seeing Miles Kane, a personal favorite of mine, perform for a short while on our break, for me made the afternoon quite worth while, and finishing at ten to run off and see the Arctic Monkey's even more so.

Stood at the back of the crowd absolutely knackered from a hard days work I have to say I was somewhat disappointed with the Monkeys. Once a band that were full of energy with songs such as Mardy Bum and Florescent Adolescence there seemed to be a lack of it in their set, going through the motions as it were. Although they played their classics I wasn't sure whether it was the 8 hour stint of standing up I'd just endured or the set that was sending me to sleep! 

After getting back to camp we're settling down for the night when the sound of an acoustic guitar and bad singing starts... who in their right mind brings a musical instrument to a music festival?!(optional extra right there... they must have a van).

"Hey up, we've got James Blunt over there", says Dad, shortly followed by the slightly more offensive "shut the f*** up." 

Good job we brought ear plugs. 

Day Five

Saturday 29th June

Beginning to miss my home comforts; running water, flushing toilet, electricity and my boyfriend... all in that order! Today has been our day off and with the sun shining and 20 degree temperatures it couldn't have been better. Having a lie in in the morning we walked across to the far east side of the site down to Shangri La to watch Norman Jay. Firstly I found fifty quid... morals half go out the window at the festival, feeling rather guilty about picking it up with only a quick look round first played on my mind for the next couple of hours, however there is no where to hand it in, and when it's been dropped anything goes right?! Sat on the grass at the Shangri Hell listening to the perfect collision of African vibes and classic tracks. 

Rather sun burnt we went back to camp for something to eat before heading back out to watch Major Lazer. I've never before really been a fan, introduced by my Dad however that the band had tweeted that they ideally wanted a huge basket ball net and a helicopter to drive over and dunk it in during their set, I was assured it was to be an entertaining hour. And so it was. Erratic dancing from all and bopping in the early dusk set up for a great night steering clear of the Rolling Stones. Dad insisted we walk past the Pyramid stage on which they were performing on our way round to the other stage if not only to say " I saw The Rolling Stones at Glastonbury". It turned out to be disastrous. EVERYONE had turned up to see them. The biggest crowd I have ever seen swarming back even beyond the tents. It took us half an hour to shuffle through to the other side, and feeling rather claustrophobic and uncomfortable we got as far away as possible... I feel there should be a tshirt- I saw The Rolling Stones at Glastonbury and almost got crushed to death. 

The rest of the festival site was somewhat quite! So seizing the opportunity we watch a little of Chase and Status and went up to the park before returning back to Arcadia to watch Fat Boy Slim who was amazing. Arcadia never fails to amaze me... the fire, the lights and the music is a mixture which is perfectly combined providing a fantastic atmosphere. It only takes someone as big as Fat Boy Slim to make for a massive crowd pleasing set.

At around 2am we returned to camp in the knowledge that we had to be up at 5 for our shift... 

Day Six

Sunday 30th June

8 hours later... what a killer. Turns out sleep is pretty important... another boring shift but now we're free! Absolutely knackered, but free all the same. We stumble back to the camp, give back our hi-vis' and claim our reward... a green badge. All that work for a green badge!.. and the people in Syria, of course. We went back to bed for a little while however it wasn't long before we were out again, making the most of our time left. We saw a few acts and bought a few bargains in the last knocking sales that always happen on the Sunday before feeling massively drained watching the XX, and decided to boot it home before the rest of the punters had the same idea. Six days in a field, with a seat on top of a wheelie bin for a toilet and no shower seriously takes it's toll on you, and although I massively enjoyed myself I have never been more excited to go home! 

After a panic of the van not starting and coaxing her into life we set off... saying goodbye for another year safe in the knowledge that I'll be back again next year to endure the same emotional spectrum of experiences this week has brought. 

Terrible Tanning Tale of Woe

I am cursed with the gingery pale gene which means that, like a vampire, I merely need to see the sun before burning to a red sizzley crisp.

Not only is it extremely bad for your skin to sit and allow yourself to look like you've been placed in the toaster on full blast all day, it is even more unattractive, and so thus lies my problem.

How do I navigate myself from pale English rose (questionable), to bronzed goddess? (Even more questionable...)

I've tried most sun creams with a similar effect... Too much time in the sun, with or without high SPF protection more often than not results in the above mentioned toaster effect.

I'm blaming it on the illusion of choice: summer need only poke it's head round the corner before aisles of boots are stocked full of yellow brown white and orange packaging... And by aisles I really mean a good half of the shop. Bottles with carrot extract in, or aloe Vera, extra tanning enhancer or all day water resistant, who really gives a monkeys ?!

Why is the packaging always brown or orange? Why isn't it just red to simply and plainly point out that that, whichever you chose, lobster red is undoubtably the colour you will turn instead of sailing me down the river with the false hope and promise that I'll be hideously brown as soon as my skin comes into contact with the magic liquid.

At the end of the day, if you're going to tan you'll tan without the help of carrots or enhancers, and if you're not, you'll look more like a tomato than a carrot come the end of the day, plagued with the thought of being stupid enough to think a carrot enhancer would help, just because the bottle was orange.

Every year I make the same mistake. I take solace in the fact that "this year will be different because I have a new suntan lotion", and then proceed to act surprised when I inevitably take my bikini off from my first day in the sun, only to find that the outline is imprinted onto me, with my boobs and bum both shining in the mirror back at me like beacons... I can almost hear them laughing "we told you so" back in my growing progressively crimson face.

From now on I intend to accept the pale and sun hating body that God has blessed me with and stick to my factor 50 and the sunshade... Until next year.

Men are from Mars

As a rule, men aren't all that bad... but when it comes writing down all the things that you cannot stand about them, you'd have a pretty extensive list!

It all bottles down to one thing, and that is that females are the elite gender- fact.

1.  Shouting down the phone: why is it that whilst speaking to someone who, on the other end, has their ear splatted against the speaker of your voice being projected at them that you feel the need to shout? They can hear you... in fact, they're more that likely having to hold the phone a good 30cms away from their ear to avoid becoming deaf or hard of hearing, or wiping the spit that's projecting from your loud mouth a long with the ringing decibels that are still retinating through my head nevermind the reciever on the other end of the phone.

2. Empty bottles: it's like it's to some how mitigate the guilt of using that last bit of shampoo or milk. Instead they leave the bottle where they found it, empty or with a little useless amount left at the bottom and tell NO ONE that it has run out. What exactly are we meant to do with a pea sized splodge of milk? Drown an ant?! And even when it comes to the point of asking "whodunit", even though we all know exactly who the culprit is, you deny it.

3. Telling us to calm down: trust me, there is nothing more irritating than being told to calm down after you have pissed us off beyond belief. Yes, in the majority of cases we've lashed out, but you've done something to warrant that emotional reaction... we don't know what yet, but you have.

4. Short attention span: if we were talking about Xbox or FIFA or anything involving kicking around a football, your full undivulged attention would be on us, but come to talking about something that is meaningful to ourselves-say my newly painted toenails that took me half an hour to painstakingly craft- and you don't even know what we've just said to you... and if a programme involving any of the above is on the TV whilst you are talking about something of little or no interest to said boy, then you can forget even being listened to at all.

5. You always THINK you're right: You might be right... infact, 99.9% of the time, annoyingly, you probably are , but why can't you have the common curtosy to let us girls at least think we know what we're doing instead of having the fact we're going about something wrong rammed down our throats... just so you can get on your macho high horse!

The list could go on and nothing would ever change... but if it did we'd have nothing to moan about over cocktails to our girlfriends, nothing to laugh about, and , more importantly, nothing to write about!

Welcoming festival season with open arms!

With the summer months almost upon us, there is one thought on every festival goers mind. The wellies are cleaned, the tent patched up, and dry shampoo is in the bag.

Me at muddy Glastonbury 2011

Only one problem poses...

In the past there was only one major music festival to grace these isles. Now 43 years on, still just as great if not better than the first ever Glastonbury Festival in 1970, punters are spoilt for choice with hundreds of music festivals of varying styles and sizes popping up all over the country.

Contributing over £800 million to the British economy, statistics show that 357,000 international music fans flock to the UK every year to be part of world renowned festivals: a statistic that, arguably, as a country we should be extremely proud of.

From mainstream to punk rock and techno, there is a festival out there catered to everyone's taste... if staying in a tent isn't your idea of a fun weekend away, many festivals now offer a 'glamping' service in boutique tipis complete with private running water, toilets and showers. A luxury which will set you back £3,000 , however.

Unrecognizable from the first festivals in the 70's, Glastonbury has almost quadrupled in both size and profit with a turnover of £22.5 million last year- no wonder Michael Eavis is always smiling!

Make of it what you will, there still lies the underlying fact: these festivals may have jumped  on the corporate band wagon, but they all share one thing: the love and celebration of music which brings may of us from so many different walks of life, together

Gay Marriage Bill

The gay marriage bill which has recently passed to the House of Lords despite the opposition of 133 Tory MPs has been a political movement of great media controversy and discussion.

The Marriage (Same Sex Couples) Bill for England and Wales, if passed, means that couples who can currently form civil partnerships will be able to marry. Organizations would have to "opt in" to offering weddings, however the Church of England and Church of Wales are banned in law from doing so.

It has been argued in the House of Lords today that civil partnerships between same sex couples and marriage between a man and woman are two completely different ideologies:  marriage is merely a legally binding commitment that protects both parties and any children bore as a result of that matrimony. 

When did we become so cynically scoffing of a term that once meant so much more than legal protection? 

Civil partnership, it can be said, is simply a legal arrangement providing those involved with protections, but marriage is a greater commitment between two people to live publicly in a deceleration and celebration of their love. It is human nature to have a desire to love and be loved, whether gay or straight, and to declare that love in the eyes of society. 

Surely it is politically unjust and condemning to gays to allow this deceleration and commitment to be enjoyed by only those in heterosexual relationships? 

Last week, former Archbishop of Canterbury Lord Carey warned that same-sex marriage would set a "dangerous precedent" which could lead to sibling marriage or polygamy. I find this view completely and undoubtedly archaic. It is primitive to think of gay marriage as a sin, and although set out in the Bible as one it is important to remember that it is a script written thousands of years ago.  There is a clear need for an ongoing rethink of priorities of the gospels in light of new developments in and ever modernizing society. 

There are a breath of views within The Church of England, however it should be agreed among all that that love is a gratuity given to all whether you believe in God or not.

The act of legally declaring undying love and commitment should be something that is not  restricted to just heterosexual couples, but should be a right for all.