Tuesday, 18 June 2013

Terrible Tanning Tale of Woe

I am cursed with the gingery pale gene which means that, like a vampire, I merely need to see the sun before burning to a red sizzley crisp.

Not only is it extremely bad for your skin to sit and allow yourself to look like you've been placed in the toaster on full blast all day, it is even more unattractive, and so thus lies my problem.

How do I navigate myself from pale English rose (questionable), to bronzed goddess? (Even more questionable...)

I've tried most sun creams with a similar effect... Too much time in the sun, with or without high SPF protection more often than not results in the above mentioned toaster effect.

I'm blaming it on the illusion of choice: summer need only poke it's head round the corner before aisles of boots are stocked full of yellow brown white and orange packaging... And by aisles I really mean a good half of the shop. Bottles with carrot extract in, or aloe Vera, extra tanning enhancer or all day water resistant, who really gives a monkeys ?!

Why is the packaging always brown or orange? Why isn't it just red to simply and plainly point out that that, whichever you chose, lobster red is undoubtably the colour you will turn instead of sailing me down the river with the false hope and promise that I'll be hideously brown as soon as my skin comes into contact with the magic liquid.

At the end of the day, if you're going to tan you'll tan without the help of carrots or enhancers, and if you're not, you'll look more like a tomato than a carrot come the end of the day, plagued with the thought of being stupid enough to think a carrot enhancer would help, just because the bottle was orange.

Every year I make the same mistake. I take solace in the fact that "this year will be different because I have a new suntan lotion", and then proceed to act surprised when I inevitably take my bikini off from my first day in the sun, only to find that the outline is imprinted onto me, with my boobs and bum both shining in the mirror back at me like beacons... I can almost hear them laughing "we told you so" back in my growing progressively crimson face.

From now on I intend to accept the pale and sun hating body that God has blessed me with and stick to my factor 50 and the sunshade... Until next year.

Wednesday, 12 June 2013

Men are from Mars

As a rule, men aren't all that bad... but when it comes writing down all the things that you cannot stand about them, you'd have a pretty extensive list!

It all bottles down to one thing, and that is that females are the elite gender- fact.

1.  Shouting down the phone: why is it that whilst speaking to someone who, on the other end, has their ear splatted against the speaker of your voice being projected at them that you feel the need to shout? They can hear you... in fact, they're more that likely having to hold the phone a good 30cms away from their ear to avoid becoming deaf or hard of hearing, or wiping the spit that's projecting from your loud mouth a long with the ringing decibels that are still retinating through my head nevermind the reciever on the other end of the phone.

2. Empty bottles: it's like it's to some how mitigate the guilt of using that last bit of shampoo or milk. Instead they leave the bottle where they found it, empty or with a little useless amount left at the bottom and tell NO ONE that it has run out. What exactly are we meant to do with a pea sized splodge of milk? Drown an ant?! And even when it comes to the point of asking "whodunit", even though we all know exactly who the culprit is, you deny it.

3. Telling us to calm down: trust me, there is nothing more irritating than being told to calm down after you have pissed us off beyond belief. Yes, in the majority of cases we've lashed out, but you've done something to warrant that emotional reaction... we don't know what yet, but you have.

4. Short attention span: if we were talking about Xbox or FIFA or anything involving kicking around a football, your full undivulged attention would be on us, but come to talking about something that is meaningful to ourselves-say my newly painted toenails that took me half an hour to painstakingly craft- and you don't even know what we've just said to you... and if a programme involving any of the above is on the TV whilst you are talking about something of little or no interest to said boy, then you can forget even being listened to at all.

5. You always THINK you're right: You might be right... infact, 99.9% of the time, annoyingly, you probably are , but why can't you have the common curtosy to let us girls at least think we know what we're doing instead of having the fact we're going about something wrong rammed down our throats... just so you can get on your macho high horse!

The list could go on and nothing would ever change... but if it did we'd have nothing to moan about over cocktails to our girlfriends, nothing to laugh about, and , more importantly, nothing to write about!

Monday, 3 June 2013

Welcoming festival season with open arms!

With the summer months almost upon us, there is one thought on every festival goers mind. The wellies are cleaned, the tent patched up, and dry shampoo is in the bag.
Me at muddy Glastonbury 2011

Only one problem poses...

In the past there was only one major music festival to grace these isles. Now 43 years on, still just as great if not better than the first ever Glastonbury Festival in 1970, punters are spoilt for choice with hundreds of music festivals of varying styles and sizes popping up all over the country.

Contributing over £800 million to the British economy, statistics show that 357,000 international music fans flock to the UK every year to be part of world renowned festivals: a statistic that, arguably, as a country we should be extremely proud of.

From mainstream to punk rock and techno, there is a festival out there catered to everyone's taste... if staying in a tent isn't your idea of a fun weekend away, many festivals now offer a 'glamping' service in boutique tipis complete with private running water, toilets and showers. A luxury which will set you back £3,000 , however.

Unrecognizable from the first festivals in the 70's, Glastonbury has almost quadrupled in both size and profit with a turnover of £22.5 million last year- no wonder Michael Eavis is always smiling!

Make of it what you will, there still lies the underlying fact: these festivals may have jumped  on the corporate band wagon, but they all share one thing: the love and celebration of music which brings may of us from so many different walks of life, together

Gay Marriage Bill

The gay marriage bill which has recently passed to the House of Lords despite the opposition of 133 Tory MPs has been a political movement of great media controversy and discussion.

The Marriage (Same Sex Couples) Bill for England and Wales, if passed, means that couples who can currently form civil partnerships will be able to marry. Organizations would have to "opt in" to offering weddings, however the Church of England and Church of Wales are banned in law from doing so.

It has been argued in the House of Lords today that civil partnerships between same sex couples and marriage between a man and woman are two completely different ideologies:  marriage is merely a legally binding commitment that protects both parties and any children bore as a result of that matrimony. 

When did we become so cynically scoffing of a term that once meant so much more than legal protection? 

Civil partnership, it can be said, is simply a legal arrangement providing those involved with protections, but marriage is a greater commitment between two people to live publicly in a deceleration and celebration of their love. It is human nature to have a desire to love and be loved, whether gay or straight, and to declare that love in the eyes of society. 

Surely it is politically unjust and condemning to gays to allow this deceleration and commitment to be enjoyed by only those in heterosexual relationships? 

Last week, former Archbishop of Canterbury Lord Carey warned that same-sex marriage would set a "dangerous precedent" which could lead to sibling marriage or polygamy. I find this view completely and undoubtedly archaic. It is primitive to think of gay marriage as a sin, and although set out in the Bible as one it is important to remember that it is a script written thousands of years ago.  There is a clear need for an ongoing rethink of priorities of the gospels in light of new developments in and ever modernizing society. 

There are a breath of views within The Church of England, however it should be agreed among all that that love is a gratuity given to all whether you believe in God or not.

The act of legally declaring undying love and commitment should be something that is not  restricted to just heterosexual couples, but should be a right for all.