Terrible Tanning Tale of Woe

I am cursed with the gingery pale gene which means that, like a vampire, I merely need to see the sun before burning to a red sizzley crisp.

Not only is it extremely bad for your skin to sit and allow yourself to look like you've been placed in the toaster on full blast all day, it is even more unattractive, and so thus lies my problem.

How do I navigate myself from pale English rose (questionable), to bronzed goddess? (Even more questionable...)

I've tried most sun creams with a similar effect... Too much time in the sun, with or without high SPF protection more often than not results in the above mentioned toaster effect.

I'm blaming it on the illusion of choice: summer need only poke it's head round the corner before aisles of boots are stocked full of yellow brown white and orange packaging... And by aisles I really mean a good half of the shop. Bottles with carrot extract in, or aloe Vera, extra tanning enhancer or all day water resistant, who really gives a monkeys ?!

Why is the packaging always brown or orange? Why isn't it just red to simply and plainly point out that that, whichever you chose, lobster red is undoubtably the colour you will turn instead of sailing me down the river with the false hope and promise that I'll be hideously brown as soon as my skin comes into contact with the magic liquid.

At the end of the day, if you're going to tan you'll tan without the help of carrots or enhancers, and if you're not, you'll look more like a tomato than a carrot come the end of the day, plagued with the thought of being stupid enough to think a carrot enhancer would help, just because the bottle was orange.

Every year I make the same mistake. I take solace in the fact that "this year will be different because I have a new suntan lotion", and then proceed to act surprised when I inevitably take my bikini off from my first day in the sun, only to find that the outline is imprinted onto me, with my boobs and bum both shining in the mirror back at me like beacons... I can almost hear them laughing "we told you so" back in my growing progressively crimson face.

From now on I intend to accept the pale and sun hating body that God has blessed me with and stick to my factor 50 and the sunshade... Until next year.